


Colonel Mustang's Rules for Eastern Command

by Turdle



Category: Fullmetal Alchemist
Genre: Gen, Humor, Military
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-11-03
Updated: 2012-11-03
Packaged: 2017-11-17 17:01:40
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 843
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/553846
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Turdle/pseuds/Turdle
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Colonel Roy Mustang has thirty simple rules for everyone at Eastern Command. Now if only everyone would follow them.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Colonel Mustang's Rules for Eastern Command

**Author's Note:**

> [Posted [outside Colonel Roy Mustang's office](http://colonel-mustang.tumblr.com/post/12728523284/colonel-mustangs-rules-for-eastern-command). Effectively immediately.]

 

  1. The Coffee is mine. If you finish the pot, you had better start the next one. Caveat: If you tell Lt. Hawkeye to fetch you a cup because she is a woman and you expect her to oblige, I am not responsible for what happens to you. Addendum: The gun is the least of your problems.
  2. When in doubt, Lt. Hawkeye drives the car. Both Elric brothers are expressly forbidden from operating vehicles. Major Elric cannot see over the wheel and reach the pedals. 
  3. All riots, insurrections, and ‘minor’ rebellions are to be reported immediately  _and messhall food fights do not count_.
  4. Major Armstrong is exempt from the ‘No shoes, No Shirt, No Service.’ rules, on account of the fact that no one can keep the Major’s shirt on.
  5. 2nd Lt. Havoc has earned his smoke breaks, because I don’t want to deal with him when he’s itching for a smoke.
  6. It’s wisest to not ask the First Lieutenant about her personal life — especially if you value having yours.
  7. The Eastern Command library is  _not_  a suitable place for the following: Alchemy practice, housing small stray animals, and sexual conduct.
  8. If Hughes calls, tell him it’d better be important because I’m busy. I already  _know_  he’s married to a lovely woman and has an ‘adorable’ daughter. I attended the wedding. I sent a baby shower gift.  _I did not forget._
  9. Conversely if a woman calls and asks to have me put on the line, patch her through. I’m sure it’s important.
  10. Comic books will no longer be accepted in Alchemical Research funding write offs,  ** _Fullmetal_**.
  11. When told to forget what you just saw/heard, I do not need a rather lengthy explanation as to how photographic memory works. I just want you to never bring it up again.
  12. Replacing my chess pieces with small alchemically produced toys is  _not funny,_  and I will catch the culprit. Addendum: Neither is alchemizing the pieces to stick to the chess board.
  13. You are not allowed to do anything that will get you Court Martialed during North vs. East training events. The Major General is just  _waiting_  for chances to lord things over me, and she does not need extra material. Wait until afterwards.
  14. ~~All North vs. the East event bets are to be placed with Warrant Officer Falman, simply because he can remember all bets without having to keep traceable records.~~
  15. The phone lines are  _not_  to be used for sexual/explicit and/or lewd discussions. End of Story. Sergeant Fuery still looks uneasy.
  16. If the paperwork gets done before the deadline, you have no right to complain, Lieutenant Hawkeye.
  17. Telling the new cadets that I will do any of the following is not allowed: Toast their bread, Light their cigarettes, Light candles, Burn them to a crisp, Burn paperwork to get out of it (believe me,  _Hawkeye will notice_ ), or light explosives.
  18. On recruitment days you are  _not_  allowed to complain about your lackluster love life having had joined the Military.
  19. _I have plenty of dates_ , so I don’t see why anyone else has a problem.
  20. Fraternization laws exist for a reason, but if you must break them  _don’t do it in the supply closets_. I, for one, want to be able to access my favorite pens and other office supplies in relative peace.
  21. Alphonse Elric is  _not_  enlisted, nor does he hold any sway over ranked officers. He is a civilian and will be treated as such.
  22. Edward Elric holding a rank  _equivalent_  to Major does not give him a right to make pointless orders. If you run into problems, see me.
  23. The briefcase under first Lt. Hawkeye’s desk is not full of anything besides my spare gloves. If you are found trying to break the combination lock to mess with my things, I will demonstrate for you just how flame alchemy works.
  24. I don’t know what you’re ranking on a scale from one to ten, Lt. Catalina, but it’s probably better no one find out.
  25. If you do not wanted to be treated like a child  _you had better stop throwing tantrums in my office Edward_.
  26. Dousing me in water is not a good idea as a prank. Generally speaking this will only render me ineffective if I: A.) Can’t catch you, or  B.) don’t have a spare set of gloves in my pocket. I am well trained in hand to hand combat, and am a rather fast runner. Consider this before you take your chances.
  27. Setting off the sprinklers because you heard there was a fire is not allowed unless something is  _actually_ currently _on fire._  My existence does not count.
  28. I am your superior officer. “Because I said so,” is a good enough reason.
  29. My title is  _not_ : Colonel Bastard, Colonel Hothead, The Flamer, Sparky, Colonel ‘pain in the ass’ or any other variation that insults myself, my parentage, or my alchemy. My proper title is simply ‘Colonel’ or ‘Sir’.
  30. You will not receive Hazard or Combat Pay for protecting/watching the Elrics at any point in time. I’ve already asked.




End file.
